Well that was a fun set of results.

The last match of the weekend — prior to an international break — asked viewers a question: What if the Premier League played like the Bundesliga?

Now we know Unai Emery definitely rejects the premise of the question out of hand, but there are two teams in every football match, and sometimes what Manchester United wants is definitely the most important thing in the world.

Like Sunday! For example, with most Premier League defenses, you practically have to choose to go behind two goals before five minutes are even up. United make that so easy for their opponents it now seems incorporated into the pre-match warmup routine. Yes, Senne Lammens will probably be very disappointed with his outcomes on both of the goal sequences, but there was plenty of blame to go around.

However, United really seem to be pandering to the interested neutral these days. Every match is a barnburner that starts with United going behind, and then attempting to answer the question: How are they going to get out of it this time? Like MacGyver, but with Harry Maguire involved in something other than a henchman role, which would never fly on scripted TV.

In this episode, which was not to be confused with the midweek episode against Roma — THOUGH I CAN SEE HOW YOU MIGHT — United brought themselves back into the match via a Matheus Cunha-earned penalty and a Youri Tielemans goal just before half time.

Somehow United decided to repeat the start of the second half with almost a carbon copy of the first half. This time it was a penalty earned by Alysson (who looked fantastic this match, but that could be a Diogo Dalot thing), and then a terrible almost-own-goal on a wide free kick from Leny Yoro that resulted in an eventual Leon Goretzka not-own-goal to go 4-2 up in minute 53.

And yet United somehow once again managed to escape (to a draw, mind you), with two stoppage time goals from Joshua Zirkzee and Patrick Dorgu. Was there a foul on Lammens intentionally tracking Zion Suzuki and bodying him? Look, we’re not here to argue individual plot points — we just here because we want Macguffins, Rube Goldberg machines, and the extended thrill of escape week after week.

No no no, we don’t want to hear about Man United going into the break in the relegation slots. We are STANNING the fuck out of current Manchester United, exactly as they exist. This is scintillating telly, week after week.

Carrick uber alles, and all that jazz.

Coming into this match, Forest held the distinction of unluckiest team in the Premier League by some margin. Week after week they put up great process, but the results simply would not fall for them.

Here… it was actually pretty even. 12 shots to 12, just over 1 expected goal for each team. Lest you feel like I am damning them with faint praise, that’s a hugely successful performance again for Forest, who scored two goals before the 20th minute and then contained City pretty well for the entire match.

City are on back to back to back losses in the league going into the break, which is a rough run of form.

As good as Spurs were against Palace last week, they got roflstomped away at Leeds this weekend. 2.08 xG to 0.67, 16 shots to 7, and a clear gap in quality between the two sides.

Life comes at you fast.

Speaking of Palace, they went toe-to-toe with Liverpool this weekend and Liverpool could not stop them. Look, I know the score was 3-1 to Liverpool, but that’s what the underlying numbers of the match show! 19 shots to 20, 2.72 xG to 2.25, and the teams traded blows throughout the ninety minutes. Luckily for Liverpool, Allison upgraded to the magnetic ball GK gloves this week, and everything was hit right at him.

Even when Palace play well, they cannot buy a result or a vowel. We kind of expect Pierre Sage(k) to be gone in this international break.

For Liverpool’s part, the defense has been the star of the show since the first two matches, so going into the break a bit wobbly against weak opposition has to be a concern for Iraola. The good news is they opened the scoring with a nifty set piece goal (a real weakness last season), and Florian Wirtz got on the scoresheet, both of which are lovely positives for the future if they start some trends.

The Bees appear to have gone to international break a week earlier than everyone else. Yes, they received a red card for Igor Thiago in minute 23, but they were already down 1-nil and reeling before then. Or were they? At the time of the goal it was 3 shots to 2 for Brentford, and the Diego Gomez thunderbastard was a two-percenter just before it left his boot.

So actually the red card did change the game massively and there isn’t much else to say about this match. Brighton look locked in for a CL spot at the end of the season and the Bees are still trying to find ways to stop shooting themselves in the foot.

It’s a tiny bit too early to anoint Bournemouth a Champions League team, but they are right in that pack. The only thing holding me back is the need for them to get results against bigger and “better” teams in the table, which they haven’t managed to pull off just yet.

Against mid and bottom-table teams the Cherries get a free goal a game because coaches refuse to stop letting the GK pass short into Bournemouth’s press, and literally every single week they feast. I have heard football is easier when the opponent gives you a free goal a match, but sadly in my career so far, I can’t really relate.

This also looks like a strong redemption arc for Marco Rose’s career, because this team is absolutely flying so far, despite a variety of dumb mistakes on defense made earlier in the season.

Coventry led in this match for about three minutes due to a seeing-eye goal from Yann Gboho (what a name!). That appeared to be the wake up alarm for Everton, as they went on to utterly dominate the match from there via two Thierno Barry goals and an impossible-angle goal from Dewsbury-Hall off a throughball.

Everton did what David Moyes teams always seem to do — dispatch bad teams at home, and Coventry are definitely one of those. The problem comes when they need to do other things, but they should be nicely ensconced in the mid-tier by season’s end once again.

Which is fine, because Everton are once again for sale, and their fate prior to now could have been so, so much worse. Silver linings are useful sometimes, especially in football.

The match was even, the score was even, and everyone on both coaching staffs will be taking some deep breaths as they go into the international break and try to figure out how they can get better quickly.

If you follow Variance Betting, you’ll know my “I can’t believe in them” stance on Chelsea is strong and my money is always where my mouth is there. Sunderland have played much better than their results so far this season and Chelsea have done the opposite, setting up a fun clash between a CL team (in the table), and the cellar dwellers.

9 shots to 10 for Chelsea… sounds like a tough away match at the Stadium of Light. But 2.24 expected goals to 0.62 for the Black Cats! There is a very real chance Chelsea come rocketing down the table as the winter begins to bite, because week after week they are messy and fragile. Whatever the plan is from Xabi Alonso, basically none of it has worked thus far.

Boring, boring Champions. (21 shots to 7, so not THAT boring.)

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